Frustration and weakness?

Or the ordinariness of change…

???????????????????????????????The box of tissues

My constant companions these last two weeks. Not the painting table and the palette and some of the pieces from my last exhibition for courage. For this venture I have a box of tissues, a water glass, a warm quilt.

It wasn’t what I had in mind. I dreamt of an artist’s life. Painting every day, distractions set free like butterflies, a sense of well-being in every corner of the universe. Sure, there was transition. Letting go. A need to move into the future.

Instead of discovering the future, I’ve found seasonal flu. Seven long days of tissues and aches and fever and weakness. Then, just as the faint stirrings of creativity began to gather again, a secondary bronchitis. Add coughing to the list.

I know. People get sick. Terrible things happen. Flu and bronchitis aren’t them. This will pass. I’m trying to be patient, to recognize that change has its own order. But patience was never my long suit.

My easel calls. A new little painting, begun in September. A new project, and a new sense of purpose.

Soon.

What are you trying to be patient with?

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12 Responses to Frustration and weakness?

  1. Penelope Marshall October 20, 2014 at 3:44 pm #

    Maybe the question is Should you be trying to be patient? Let it go and see what happens. Transitions take longer internally than we want or expect. Maybe you are trying too hard to make the change from a different part of your brain busy life quickly. On the other hand maybe you are ready to start painting all day everyday and the sickness was just that and you are letting it frustrate you.
    Who knows Laureen, these things are send to try us!

    • Laureen October 21, 2014 at 1:31 am #

      Very perceptive comments! Though hard for someone who has very little let-go in her DNA. But good to think about nonetheless 🙂

      • Penelope Marshall December 13, 2014 at 4:58 pm #

        Since I turned 65, nearly two years ago, my health has gone into a downward spiral. Just one part of that is I can no longer see well enough to stitch or hook, which I truly miss, like you are missing your brush in hand. Thank goodness for my Kindle and its adjustable font size.
        I don’t know what led me to this site today but after eleven days in the hospital and over three weeks on an I.V. I do know of what I speak. It is hard to make adjustments to things we took for granted for all our life. We are use to a body that allows us to do more not one that takes away what we do now.

        • Laureen December 14, 2014 at 4:05 am #

          I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It’s a lot. All I know about illness is that the body we have is the only one we can work with.

          I send you wishes for better days.

  2. Jeanne Apelseth October 20, 2014 at 5:17 pm #

    I can certainly understand the patience part…and the illness…although through the eyes of a caregiver watching illness consume my beloved man day by day, a little bit at a time.

    Each “lost” day creates an intense panic and unease and a very uncomfortable, very painful sense of life passing me by. He can’t breathe because his lungs are dying. I can’t breathe because my life is escaping me…

    While I excel at giving advice, but not taking it…I promise, your time will come and you will soon be happily back to painting. Paint one for me, Laureen. I can’t wait to see it!

    As they say in Norwegian “God bedring” or get well soon!

    • Laureen October 21, 2014 at 1:37 am #

      Oh Jeanne…your experience and your man’s are something I can’t even imagine. All I have is a virus. But you – it’s too much. I send you all the best. You deserve it.

      For anyone who can donate to Jeanne’s desperate cause, there’s a link here: Help Hope Live Michael Brunick

      • Jeanne Apelseth October 27, 2014 at 7:53 pm #

        It is all a matter of perspective though, isn’t it. 🙂

        Some people have it much worse than I do, but that doesn’t diminish my anxiety. Haha!

        I am VERY glad today that I do not have a virus. Hope you are feeling better and painting away.

        Sometimes I think those frustrating moments where you can’t do what you want to be doing…due to illness, artist’s block or even a busy schedule make those times when you CAN create even more precious, don’t they?

        Sending hugs. <3

        • Laureen October 27, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

          And then the silly thing turned into pneumonia! I’ve been on antibiotics for a week and am much improved, if not completely fixed. But though this has been a time of coughing and feeb-ility, unexpectedly, it has also been a time of considering where I’m going and how to get there. I want to re-launch with renewed commitment.

          And love your perspective on relational anxiety 🙂

  3. Antoinette October 20, 2014 at 5:32 pm #

    Courage my friend! Go with the flow- there are good days and bad days- look at the bigger picture . It will happen!!

    • Laureen October 21, 2014 at 1:39 am #

      Big picture seems a bit far away at the moment. I have 6 x 6 and want 36 x 36! I know you’re right, though. Thank you.

  4. Eve Barbeau October 21, 2014 at 2:39 am #

    Oh crappy-crap and boo. Not good. I hope you get well soon and set the world (or at least your little corner of it) a-fire with your work.

    • Laureen October 21, 2014 at 3:00 am #

      Eve, you’re a sweetheart, as always. Fires to you too!